• Psychological Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Threats/Intimidation
• Destroying property, harming pets or animals
• Heterosexist control, "outing" partner without consent
• Financial abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Physical abuse
• Isolation
• AIDS Related battering
• Stalking/Harassing

All of these are likely to happen in LGBT families as well as 'straight' relationships. But there are myths that render partner abuse in the LGBT community invisible.

• MYTH: Only heterosexual women are victims of domestic violence.
  No. Heterosexual women are not the only victims of domestic violence.

• MYTH: Men are never victims and women never abuse.
  Men are often victims and women can be abusers.

• MYTH: Domestic violence is more common among heterosexuals than lesbians or gay men.
  The data on domestic violence shows no difference in the populations.

• MYTH: It's not violence if same-sex partners fight-it's just a "lover's quarrel."
  Why should that be so with same-sex partners and not heterosexual partners? Domestic violence is never 'just a lover's quarrel.'

• MYTH: It's easier for gay men or lesbians to leave abuse than heterosexuals.
  The only way this can be construed as true is that same-sex marriage is not recognized in most of the U.S., so one partner leaving another does not carry the legal complications of marriage. And that simply means that the same-sex couple is denied those "complications."

• MYTH: People who engage in violent behaviors more likely to hang out in bars, are poor, or are people of color.
  None of those assumptions is true. Again, crime statistics and social research show that domestic violence is no more or less likely to occur among a particular population of people.

• MYTH: People under the influence of alcohol or substance abuse can't be held accountable for their behavior.
  The 'mythology' of this idea should be well-recognized by now. No one pulled over for DWI has ever used their intoxication as a defense.

• MYTH: People who are victims of domestic violence suffer from "codependency."
  Codependency is not an illness; it is a feature of some relationships that may be a contributing factor, but it is not a cause.

• MYTH: Many people think that lesbians couldn't abuse one another since they are seen as non-violent and peaceful.
  This myth depends on the bi-polar view of gender that assumes women are dainty and delicate and incapable of violent behavior. The facts say otherwise.[The number of women under correctional supervision is one out of every 109 adult women or an estimated 950,000. Females account for approximately 6 percent of state prisoners; 11 percent of jailed inmates; 21 percent of all arrests, 21 percent of those on probation; and 16 percent of convicted felons. (Lawrence A. Greenfield & Tracy L. Snell, Women Offenders, Bureau of Just. Stat. Rep. (1999).] Women may not be in the majority, but they certainly can and do commit acts of violence.

• MYTH: Only those who are in butch/femme relationships, or who practice s/m are violent, with the butch (or the "top") assumed to be the batterer.
  The 'role' of the batterer is not dependent on the role in a relationship. There is no evidence to support this idea.

• MYTH: When gay men batter their partners, it is mutually abusive (mutual combat), because "boys will be boys."
  Domestic violence is rarely, if ever, mutual. Gays in a relationship are not engaging in anything less or more than heterosexual couples. The dynamics are much the same and the fact that they are of the same sex has little to do with the it.

• MYTH: Many people think that victims of partner battering like the abuse, or that jealous rage is a form of love.
  Just as with heterosexual couples, these ideas are not valid. Rage does not equal love and the victims of abuse do not "like it."

• MYTH: The law or police will not protect LGBT victims of violence.
  The laws on domestic violence do not distinguish between same-sex and heterosexual couples and it is the responsibility of law enforcement to protect victims.

• MYTH: S&M, B&D, and battering are all part of being transgendered.
  There's no relationship between any of these.

A question always raised in these cases is "Why do victims stay?" Here are some of the reasons:.

• LOVE
• Financial dependence
• Fear (more violent incidences are reported when partners try to leave)
• Low self- esteem
• Belief that violence is just part of being in the LGBT community
• Co-dependency
• Substance abuse
• Children, especially if the victim has no legal ties to the children

Unfortunately, "the system" often fails to help LGBT victims of partner abuse for a variety of reasons, including:

• Domestic violence shelters are generally not an option for gay men or transgendered people.
• Lesbian women fear using shelters because their same-sex partner could get access to the shelter, too.
• Victims are often frightened to contact the police, and there is a fear of shaming the community. Also many police label the abuse "co-abusive" or "co-combative," leaving the victim with little legal recourse.
• An LGBT person must come out in order to report the abuse; many are not willing to do so.
• If there are no statutes for domestic partnerships, there is also no recognition for domestic violence within same-sex couples.
• Family court may not recognize same-sex partners as parents, and may routinely be prejudiced towards same-sex and gender variant people.

Even though resources may be limited, law enforcement officers are obligated to protect victims and clinicians are obligated to report life-threatening dangers. It's important to respect our clients anxieties about disclosure of sexual orientation, which may be based on real fears of discrimination and its effects on child custody, family support, job security, and/or deportation. Even though it can be daunting to leave an abusive relationship, it is important for professionals to affirm the client's right to an abuse free life, and to advocate for them in making connection with services that will offer them support and safety. Always encourage clients to develop a safety plan, so they can leave when faced with immediate danger. Safety plans include keeping an extra pair of keys, a change of clothes, and some money in a safe place, as well as making arrangements to stay with a friend or have someone pick them and take them to safety.

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EXERCISE 7: Domestic Violence What Would YOU do?

EXAMPLE: A lesbian who has been in a relationship for more than five years and has an adopted child has been abused by her 'partner ever since she brought the child into their home. She is careful to injure her only in ways that do not leave visible signs, and she feels sure no one would ever believe her word against her partner's. The couple's assets, even "her" car, are all in the partner's name, and the partner's salary would not be enough for herself and the child to live on. Furthermore, the partner has threatened to kill her if she ever leaves or reveals the truth.

What would you advise her to do? Write your answer in an e-mail to your online coach.

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PART TWO: Domestic Violence in Transgender Relationships

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Society wants to keep us in the "man" box or the "woman" box. As a result, many transgender people deal with shame and self-doubt in confronting these pressures to conform. If a transgendered person finds someone they truly love or is in a relationship with someone and begins to discover that their prescribed gender may not be fully representative of who they really are, they may feel compelled to end the relationship. But how do you attempt to leave your partner if society is constantly telling you that they may be the last person who will love you?

Many experience violence resulting in self-doubt. We may even want to help our batterer and protect our children, believing that the abuse they experience might be better than potential future abuse, lack of financial resources, and a sense that there is nowhere to turn. For people who do not conform to traditional gender roles, these feelings are often magnified by the experiences they have had with a society that insists that they conform.

Batterers often use society's lack of knowledge about transgender people and the general "don't ask, don't tell" attitude to their advantage. The threat of "outing" carries the risk of losing a job, alienating family, or being denied medical access. The batterer is likely to intimidate a transgender partner who attempts to leave a relationship. The option of staying in a hotel may be denied, they explain, or they be asked to leave a restaurant where they try to get something to eat. The batterer knows these facts and is quick to remind the survivor of them.

The repeating cycle described earlier (the three phases of tension building, battering incident and honeymoon), are present in Transgender situations as well. Name-calling, criticism, verbal harassment, humiliation, and minor battering lead to a major destructive act of physical violence which is followed by feelings of remorse for the behavior and acts of apology which reinforce the victim's hope and can encourage the victim to stay in the relationship.

Likewise, there are myths associated with the condition, though with some variation.

• MYTH: Men are never victims and women never abuse.
  Men are often victims and women can be abusers; it's very possible that a transgendered male may be abused by his 'straight' wife. Or that violence may occur between a transgender couple, where both parties are of one gender, though not the gender declared for them at birth.

• MYTH: If there's domestic violence between a couple, and one of them is transgendered, it's just a normal domestic violence issue.
  Unless the issue of gender identity and behavior can be ruled out, the violence needs to be treated as if it stems from there.

• MYTH: It's easier for a transgendered man or woman to leave abuse.
  Sometimes, in a transgender relationship, one partner can use the other's transgender status as a threat. This is particularly true when the couple are legally married.

• MYTH: What is perceived as partner battering is just part of the transgender "scene," which includes Sado-Masochistic (S&M) or Bondage-Domination (B&D) behavior.
  There is no correlation between S&M or B&D and being transgendered.

If you are transgendered and in a violent or abusive situation, you need to take steps so you will be able to leave. Explain to counselors and human service providers about the effects of relationship and discrimination violence. Since society already supports the batterer, you will need to be courageous. Here are some things you do if you are the victim of domestic violence:

• Check out the Survivor Project or GenderCrash.
• Make sure those in human services understand the specific differences between transsexual, transgender, cross-dresser, and other gender-variances and where you "fit".
• Support legislation to protect "gender identity and expression", making it illegal to discriminate against transgender people in the workplace and in public accommodations.
• Locate your local support for victims of domestic or sexual violence [Thanks to Hannah Mason Houser, Program Coordinator for SafeSpace Vermont for the above information].

[For more on Domestic Violence and LGBT-related issues, read Richard Niolon's essay from PsychPage.com.]

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EXERCISE 8: Domestic Violence in Transgender Relationships What Would YOU do?

Read When Love Gets Rough by Crystal H. Weston, J.D., then post your response to the interview on the Discussion Board. Do you think Monique waited too long? Why do you suppose she was reluctant to leave? Feel free to post a response to what others have written.

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PART THREE:
Sexual Assault and LGBT Individuals

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Sexual assault is a broad term that can include various kinds of sexually motivated violence. Sexual assault in same-sex relationships has been an under-reported and rarely discussed phenomenon. Sexual assault and coercion can take place within the context of an already established same-sex domestic partnership, or in a same-sex dating relationship. A stranger, a stalker, an acquaintance or a family member can also initiate sexual victimization. Some incidents of gay-bashing and bias related crime involve sexual abuse of the victim. Abusers who target lesbian and gay people may be homosexual or heterosexual. Many assaults are directed towards gender variant people.

One reason these assaults are under-reported is because gathering accurate statistics is extremely difficult; the statistics we have are assumed to be conservative, since most victims simply do not report an assault, and this is probably disproportionately true for men and people of color since they do not expect consistent and respectful treatment from the law enforcement, criminal justice, medical, and judicial systems. Further complicating the matter is the fact that the research on sexual assault has been compiled using participants who are assumed to be heterosexual.

Police estimate that 80% of sexual assaults occur between individuals who know one another. It's not reasonable to assume that LGBT individuals are victims of sexual assault at the same rate as the heterosexual community. But an additional factor is that sexual assaults have been perpetrated as acts of homophobia and hate crimes.

As with Domestic Violence, there are a number of myths about Sexual Assault in LGBT Community.

• MYTH: Lesbians can't rape each other.
  Why not? Sexual assault does not require penetration. This myth results from rigid thinking; that the only kind of rape is that of a man against a woman.

• MYTH: Lesbian assault isn't "as traumatizing" for the victim.
  Again...why not? In some ways it may be even more traumatic.

• MYTH: Gay men don't rape.
  The stereotypical gay man doesn't rape, but that stereotype is not real.

• MYTH: Men always want sex.
  This is another of those generalizations propagated by the media and depictions of 'dirty old men.' The joke simply is not funny.

• MYTH: Male on male rape is "gay" sex.
  The best evidence against this occurs in prisons. Many men "rape" other inmates while incarcerated, but once outside live totally heterosexual lives and do not consider themselves as ever being gay.

• MYTH: Heterosexual sex will make an LGBT person straight.
  If it were that simple, the groups who claim homosexuality can be cured would be operating brothels.

The needs of sexual assault victims apply to everyone, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. If you have been a victim of sexual assault there are some concrete steps you can take:

• Validate, empathize with, and believe in the person's experience
• Support that the assault was in no way the victim's fault
• Assist in seeking out medical treatment as soon after the assault as possible
• Complete a Rape Kit (for men and women); these are administered in the emergency room by SANE (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners) at many hospitals. These kits are kept by the hospital for 30 days to allow the victim to decide if she or he wants to report the incident to the police.
• Screen and treat for sexually transmitted diseases as soon as possible.
• Advocate with the police and in court, if the victim chooses to report the incident.
• Assist in accessing the Crime Victim's Board for compensation for items lost, stolen or destroyed as part of the assault.
• Provide counsel and support for post-trauma concerns.
• Refer the victim to the Rape Crisis Service program in the individual's county for help with these concerns.

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EXERCISE 9: Sexual Abuse What Would YOU do?

Mona was declared male at birth, but showed no interest in "masculine" activities. She prefers the use of the female pronoun. She says she is interested in fashion and has a talent for design. But she is currently in a juvenile home, having been arrested at age 13 for vandalizing a school and running away from home. She explains that her parents physically abused her, insisting that she dress in male clothing and berating her for acting "feminine."

During the conversation, Mona tells how she was introduced to mutual masturbation at age 13 by other boys and that during her 14th year she began spending her spare time around a service station, where she became acquainted with a married and childless mechanic in his early 40s. The mechanic and Mona began engaging in recreational pursuits together. Her parents saw this as masculine and "healthy." On a fishing trip, they began talking about sex, which led to Mona being fellated by the mechanic and to masturbation of the mechanic by Mona.

In an e-mail to your coach, describe the course of action you would recommend Mona follow.

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PART FOUR: Bias-Related Violence and LGBT Victims

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Bias-related behavior includes any action that discriminates against, ridicules, humiliates, or otherwise creates a hostile environment for another individual. Using slurs and epithets is a way of telling LGBT people that they are less than human, or do not deserve respect. Bias-related violence or hate crimes directed at us (or people who are perceived to be LGBT) may include property crimes (like robbery), threats, intimidation, or actual acts of physical violence. The actions can involve language or symbols, such as anti-gay slurs, or they may occur while we are engaged in "gay-related" activities, such as leaving a gay bar or attending a Gay Pride parade. In addition to name-calling hate motivated actions may include refusing to hire you or providing you with lower quality service.

We are chosen because of assumptions about our sexual orientation or gender identity, whether or not these perceptions are actually correct. Like hate crimes based on religion, disability, race, ethnicity and national origin, these crimes are unique because they are directed towards entire groups of people, even if it is only one victim who is targeted. Victims of bias-related violence often do not report the crime because we fear we will receive similar abuse from the law-enforcement personnel or will be "outed" publicly in some manner. Many of us suffer post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms in silence. We need to educate our health and human service providers so that they understand how sex bias-related violence impacts us.

When we are targeted...

• It generates fear; .
• It makes us more closeted, because disclosure can be dangerous.
• It makes us feel afraid of one another, especially those who are out or "obvious," because we fear those 'others' will bring violence onto us.
• It makes us feel that being abused is our fault.
• It produces depression, anxiety, and fear of socializing with other LGBT people.

Here are some things you can do if you are the victim of bias-related violence.

• Understand your need for safety, caution, and preparedness.
• Recognize the signs of bias-related treatment in employment, educational settings, and treatment centers and assist in the development of critical thinking regarding how they are being treated.
• Encourage self-esteem and positive self-regard regarding sexual and gender identity.
• Recognize symptoms of PTSD in survivors of bias-related violence
• Help to label and name the violence.
• Work with police departments, rape crisis centers, and court systems to educate them about bias-related violence.

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EXERCISE 10: Violence / Rob's Story What Would YOU Do?

It was Friday night, about 2 o'clock. I went next door to La Cage (that's a gay bar my friends and I like to go to) . As I came out of La Cage and went out to the phone which is diagonally across the road I saw a group of teenagers, probably about fifteen or twenty of them around a couple of cars; they had car radios on. I sort of skirted around them, keeping 20 or 25 feet away from them, but still keeping an eye on them. What I guess I was doing was looking at the males - they're the ones you usually perceive a threat from. I didn't see any threat and just kept walking.
      I made my phone call, hung up and I was on my way back from the phone, once again skirting around them, when this girl yelled out "What's the matter? Aren't we good enough for you?" She was stocky, probably in her late teens. I ignored her and kept walking, but she ran up to me and said "What did you say?" And I said "I didn't say anything." She repeated the question "What did you say?" and again I said "I didn't say anything."
      Then her friend came over and started saying "What did you say to my friend?" I continued walking and said "I didn't say anything to her." Then two more girls came over, so there was four of them - they were all obviously drunk.
      I kept trying to walk away from them, but then felt a blow to the side of my head -- a punch, and then a blow to the front of my face, just under my left eye and another in the shoulder. It was a real shock, because I didn't really expect an attack, especially from women. At this stage, I was trying to push them away and decided to make a break for it and just as I did that a tall blond haired girl, the second one to come up, smashed a beer bottle over my head. And as I ran I heard them yelling of 'punta,' and 'faggot.'
      I went back to La Cage, told the guy at the door what had happened, and went to the bathroom. There was a fair amount of blood coming from the cut on my scalp and splinters of glass in my hair. I told the people I was with what had happened and that I was leaving. I went back outside and got into a cab and left. As soon as I got home, which was only a few minutes away, I called the police.
      I told the police what happened, though not in great detail; they didn't seem interested in the details. And they didn't ask any questions. I just gave them the information and they didn't ask me any more. I was completely stunned by the whole thing.

Post a response to Rob's Story on the Discussion Board, explaining your reaction and whether you think Rob was foolish because, as he said, he "wasn't being very street smart." Could he have done anything differently to avoid the assault? Should he have reacted differently? Fought back? Run away? And how about the police? Did they respond properly?

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PART FIVE: Childhood Sexual Abuse and LGBT Adult Survivors

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Childhood sexual abuse occurs when a child is used for the sexual gratification of an older adolescent or adult. It also involves the abuse of power that an adult has over a child. Incest is childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by a parent, guardian, or trusted family member. The dynamics of childhood abuse usually involve somehow including the child in the abuse as a "participant," making the child believe she or he has colluded with perpetrator.

The effects of childhood sexual abuse on one's development is profound. Dealing with it, especially as an adult, is critical. The statistics on Childhood Sexual Abuse are staggering.

• 1 in 3 women report a history of childhood sexual abuse,
• 1 in 11 men report a history of childhood sexual abuse.
• More than ' of incest survivors experienced no physical force or violence.
• More than ' of incest survivors do not remember the abuse until years after it has occurred.

Sexually abusive behaviors exist in a hierarchy of sorts, from nudity to disrobing, to genital exposure, to observation of the child, kissing, fondling, and masturbation, to fellatio, cunnilingus, digital penetration of the anus, penile penetration of the anus, to digital penetration of the vagina, penile penetration of the vagina, and "dry intercourse." This hierarchy does not make a determination of which of these behaviors are most disturbing or traumatizing to the victim as this tends to vary from case to case. And not all incest involves actual touching.

The common long-term effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse on LGBT People include:

• Low self-esteem
• Trust issues
• Intimacy difficulties
• Alcohol and drug abuse
• Dissociation
• Sleep disturbances
• Eating disorders
• Sexual disorders
• Revictimization
• Cutting

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EXERCISE 11: Childhood Trauma

Review the following statements and write a response to each one based on what you've learned so far. Send the responses in an e-mail to your coach. Then compare your responses to these. If you would like to modify your first response, send your coach another e-mail explaining why. (And feel free to ask any questions you might have.)

• Boys who were abused by males will become gay
• If a boy was aroused, erect, or had an orgasm during the abuse, it means that he liked it and that it wasn't abuse
• Boys are abused by adult homosexuals
• Children are most likely to be abused by a stranger

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PART SIX: What to do if you're the Victim of Abuse or Violence

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There are a number of things you can do if you are a victim of trauma and violence.

• Try not to blame yourself
  No matter what the circumstances of the sexual abuse of a child, it is never the fault or responsibility of that child. Even if you are aware that there was some degree of collusion or you feel in hindsight that you wish you had been able to act differently, this does not lessen the absolute truth that is the duty of adults to care for children and protect them from exploitation. Some survivors find it helpful to observe children who are the same age that they were when the abuse took place in order to underline for them how great the power difference between adults and children really is and how easy it is for an older person to manipulate the trust, innocence and vulnerability of a child.

• Take care of yourself now
  The fact that something bad has been done to you is not a reason to deny yourself pleasure, or to punish yourself. It is in fact a reason to care for yourself. If you can learn to treat your body with respect and kindness, you will help the healing process. Therefore look for simple ways to show care for yourself and kindness to your body. If you find you are tempted to harm yourself - for example by starving or overindulging, by cutting yourself or even by attempting suicide - seek help and support so that you can begin to bring this behaviour under control.

• Find appropriate outlets for your feelings
  If you have been abused you have a perfectly good reason to be very angry and full of grief. It can be hard to know what to do with these feelings. It may not be possible or helpful to express them to the person responsible. Even if you do, he or she may well fail to accept responsibility. Feelings can be helped by finding others who will listen to your story sympathetically and help you express yourself. Writing down what you feel can help - many survivors find it helpful to write down their feelings in the form of a letter - you don't have to send it. Many activities can help relieve pent up feelings of anger - exercise, sport, or simply going somewhere private or noisy and shouting. Grief can be relieved by allowing time to reflect and by expressing the sadness. You may fear that once you allow these feelings to emerge they may take you over. This is a natural fear; however in fact the opposite tends to be the case - once a feeling is allowed adequate expression it becomes more easy to control.

• Try and find both support and privacy
  Abuse can be a profoundly isolating experience. Even when you do speak about it, people may either dismiss what you tell them or they may over-react. However as is now recognized, abuse is an all too common experience, so you are certainly not alone in what you have suffered. There are now many agencies which will offer appropriate support and have much expertise in helping survivors heal themselves.

  Some people have the opposite experience and find that the abuse which has happened to them has become common knowledge, and as a result feel that their privacy has been invaded. Remember you only need to tell the people who you want to tell and it is up to you to decide how much you want to tell them. Certainly no-one will be able to guess what has happened to you if you decide not to tell them and no-one has the right to force their opinions or their advice on you.

• Do not despair
  Human beings are remarkably resilient and have a vast capacity for healing themselves. You may well feel that you have been irreversible damaged emotionally or even physically; that you may not ever be able to form a functioning relationships or have an enjoyable sex-life; that you will never recover. However this is not likely to be the case. Although you can never change your history, with time and care you can make sense of what has happened to you and can minimize the negative effects.

• Further Help If you have been abused as a child, you might want help to make sense of your feelings and worries. This may be even more true if the abuse is continuing. Many excellent books have been written on the subject - some are listed in the RESOURCES link below.

  It can be very difficult to trust someone with something as personal as this and may require a lot of courage. It may be easier to share your feelings with a stranger rather than a friend. Professional counseling agencies employ counselors who are trained to work with the effects of child sexual abuse and who will not be shocked or embarrassed by anything you may tell them. Your preference for a male or female counselor will be respected. There are also many self-help groups where survivors of abuse share their experience in safety and learn to deal with the resulting emotions. Some initial contact addresses are listed below.

  You will know when you are ready to read a book, join a group or talk to someone alone. Trust your instinct and seek help when the time is right for you.

• If you are currently in a violent situation
  Don't retaliate: you could risk violence or make the situation worse.

  Do tell someone about it: hate crime is inexcusable and should be dealt with as soon as possible. If you're at school or college, tell a teacher or staff member what has happened and they'll help you sort it out and help you decide whether you want to inform the police.

  In any situation, it's your right to go to the police, report a crime and have it investigated. If you're scared to go to the police there are hundreds of third-party reporting sites. These places are community centers, other public places like churches or mosques, and sometimes certain private houses where you can discuss your situation with a person trained to fill in a crime form to notify the police. You can even notify the police of a non-urgent crime over the internet.

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PROCEED TO MODULE 4
Relationships and Parenting in the LGBT Community

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MODULES
1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5  |  6  |  7  |  8  |  9  |

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The information provided by Rainbow Access Initiative, Inc. is for educational purposes only and is not intended to render medical advice or professional services. The information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a health problem or a disease and is not a substitute for professional care. If you have or suspect you may have a health problem, consult your healthcare provider.

Rainbow Access Initiative is a 501(c)3 tax-exempt organization.
These materials were produced through a grant from the New York State Department of Health.
You may not use them without the written permission of Rainbow Access Initiative, Inc.
Permission may be obtained by contacting the Director.

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