Once the decision to parent is made, there are many paths to becoming a parent and each one has it's own built in joys and challenges. There is no one right way, and many families choose to have children utilizing more than one path with each child brought into the family. In many ways the options are the same as for heterosexual parents, though gay and lesbian parents are often more active participants in being aware of all the options available and make conscious choices on how they bring children into their lives.

Although many lesbian, gay, and bisexual people choosing children are partnered, some people are actively choosing to be single parents. Sometimes a person is in a relationship with a partner who is not interested in becoming a parent; other times the person is simply not involved in a significant relationship and deeply desire to become a parent. Far too few people realize that every person who makes a commitment to parent, even those with solid and loving partnerships, may end up as single parents. Every person choosing parenthood should examine the question "Can I do this alone?" before becoming parents. Conversely, every person choosing single parenthood should also examine the question, "If I choose to become a single parent how will I integrate a partner into this family?"

There are many benefits to single parenting that are often overlooked in a world where "single parenting" is synonymous with "unplanned pregnancy" or "divorced family." Single parents have the distinct advantage of not having to share decision making with anyone else. This eliminates some of the more difficult aspects of parenting, like different discipline styles or divergent values around eating sugar, or matching clothes. The difficulty this presents for single parents is that they don't have another parent to lean on in times of strife or illness. Often friends or other family can step in, but single parents must cope alone when school is unexpectedly closed or a child needs a sudden trip to the emergency room. The information below is as useful for single gays and lesbians considering adoption, although the language of couples will often be used.

Pregnancy
Pregnancy is probably the most common way that lesbians become parents. Pregnancy is an option for gay male couples through surrogacy or a co-parenting agreement with a woman. For lesbians and gay men, accidental pregnancy is obviously rare, but for those who are bisexual or involved with someone of the same sex it is, of course, a possibility. However, the vast majority of lesbian, gay and bisexual people who have children through pregnancy have made active and conscious choices about how to become pregnant. Pregnancy is also an option chosen by many single lesbian, gay, and bisexual people.

Lesbian Couples Making Babies: Dads, Donors and Decisions
For lesbian couples, numerous decisions need to be made including decisions about which woman will carry the baby, donor insemination versus sexual intercourse, anonymous donors versus "daddy's" as well as questions about health risks, HIV, and the role of non-biological parenthood.

For some lesbian couples, the decision as to which partner will carry the baby is simple-one wants to and one does not. In other couples, each partner will choose to get pregnant, often with the older partner or the one assumed to be less fertile, going "first." Although it is often assumed that all lesbians choose donor insemination to get pregnant, many lesbians, as well as bisexual women, opt for sexual intercourse with men. Some women feel this is more "natural," while others express that it is important to them that the conception take place in an intimate manner. The sexual partner may be a lover or a friend and may remain in the child's life a "dad," an "uncle" or simply a "donor," or may have no further involvement in the child's life.

For lesbians who are choosing donor insemination the first question that arises is the use of a "known" versus and "unknown" donors. The term donor insemination or alternative reproduction is preferred over the term "artificial insemination" to remove the stigma of insemination as an unnatural form of reproduction. The question of known versus unknown donors is a complex issue. Known donors are more easily seen by most judicial systems as "fathers," and if a man chooses to pursue parental rights at a later date, this can create numerous legal problems for the couple, including potentially having to share custody of their child. Although legal donor agreements can be written before the pregnancy is pursued, they are not always recognized in a court setting. For this reason, many women choose anonymous donors, or work through sperm banks, as a protection against any future custody battles. However, using a known donor can have the benefit of having more complete access to medical information, as well as having the child know his or her biological heritage and have a wider extended family. When known donor situations are chosen consciously, with legal contracts in place, and the roles of all parents outlined, this can be a very successful way to build a family.

Using an unknown donor may protect the family from any future custody problems. The difficulty of unknown donors is the limited information the child will have about their genetic heritage, for medical purposes or psychological ones. It is unclear as of yet if children conceived by anonymous donor insemination will feel some of the same concerns that some children adopted in closed adoptions feel regarding their lack of access to information about their history. Some sperm banks have a special program where anonymous donors can have information released to the child when the child becomes of age. For some people this is a wonderful midway solution between known and unknown donors. The donor will never be able to interfere with the raising of the child, but potentially can still be available to the child for medical purposes or to answer questions they may have about their paternal lineage.

Many women inseminate at home, a process easily accomplished for women without fertility problems. This can be done a number of ways. One way is with a known donor-a male friend or lover, or a relative of the non-biological mother which has the added benefit of making the child biologically related to both women. Another choice is using an unknown donor. This can be accomplished in two ways. One is to use fresh semen that is anonymously transported through a friend. The donor in the case may not be known to the women, but may be known to another person in their community. Sometimes the women know who the donor is, but the donor does not know who the women are. It is essential whenever utilizing the semen of a known donor that HIV testing has been completed. Cost for fresh semen is usually zero, although sometimes a small fee is paid to legally demonstrate the intentions of the donor and recipients.

More commonly women use a sperm bank, and have the anonymous donor sperm shipped to their home. Costs for sperm when utilizing a sperm bank are about $200 for one vial of semen, plus the cost for shipping and maintaining it frozen until use. The cost of semen is not insurance reimbursable. Some women prefer to inseminate in a physician's office, or in some states it may be difficult to work with a sperm bank if you not affiliated with a physician. Also women having difficulty conceiving can be monitored more thoroughly when working with a physician, and will also have access to certain medical procedures that cannot be done at home. Depending on one's insurance, many of these procedures are covered, though some insurer's specify that "single" women (technically most lesbians) cannot use insurance for fertility purposes. There are undoubtedly homophobic physicians that refuse to work with lesbians, but many doctors are comfortable assisting lesbian couples. Phone calls to local gynecologists/obstetricians, gay community centers, and sperm banks will help you find supportive medical personnel.

Gay Male Couples Making Babies: Co-parenting and Surrogacy Decisions
For gay men pursuing parenthood through pregnancy, a number of options are available. One option would be a co-parenting arrangement with a woman (heterosexual or lesbian) who would become pregnant from his semen (through sexual intercourse or insemination), and they would agree to raise the child together as a family. It is becoming increasingly common for gay men and lesbians to make family with each other this way, sometimes including each of their partners, creating a four-parent family (though not all parents are legally recognized).

Another option for gay men is a surrogacy arrangement. Surrogacy is the process whereby a woman carries a baby that will be raised by the gay couple. Surrogacy commonly involves a pregnancy created by the insemination of sperm from one or both of the men into the surrogate who carries the child for the couple. The child is the biologically the offspring of the surrogate and the donor. Other surrogacy arrangements are possible utilizing donor eggs and other assisted reproductive technologies.

Surrogacy is expensive, costing at least $20,000. It involves complex legal, as well as political concerns, due to the exchange of large sums of money and the question of women's reproductive rights to change her mind. Surrogacy can be private or through an agency, and it is best to always work with a competent attorney familiar with these arrangements. Surrogacy allows for a connection to the birth mother similar to an open "adoption" situation if the couple chooses this, and can be a wonderful way for gay men to become parents of their own biological children.

Infertility and Pregnancy Loss
The growth of the lesbian baby boom has given many women the sense that once they can resolve their concerns about becoming parents, all they need to do is decide on the method of insemination and pregnancy will be easily accomplished. The reality is that infertility is very common, affecting at least 1 in 6 heterosexual couples and increases exponentially as women age. Since many lesbian women are first considering parenting in their thirties or forties, getting pregnant may not prove as simple as they had hoped.

It is not uncommon for lesbians experiencing infertility to begin to consider options they had previously disallowed. This may include working with anonymous donors, agreeing to certain medical procedures-either diagnostic or curative, and taking fertility related hormones to increase their potential to get pregnant. These procedures are often expensive and invasive, in addition to causing physical distress.

For some women, their attempts at getting pregnant may be successful, but maintaining pregnancy more difficult. Miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, still born children, and severe pregnancy complications resulting in pregnancy loss or termination are immensely emotionally draining. Lesbians struggling with infertility and/or pregnancy loss often feel scared and isolated.

Infertility and pregnancy loss is a rarely spoken about topic in the lesbian community and is often extremely stressful, impacting couple relationships in painful ways. Friends and family are often insensitive, medical procedures are invasive, and baby-hunger can be all consuming. Finding a competent reproductive endocrinologist is essential, as is developing a support network to cope with the ups and downs of the reproductive cycle, the sense of loss and failure, as well as the potentiality of bringing children into your family in a different manner.

Adoption
Adoption is increasingly becoming a popular path for becoming parents. For gay men it is probably the most common path to parenting, and for lesbians it is increasing in prevalence. In part this is because of changes in the laws in many states that are allowing gay adoptions, as well as an increase in social workers and agencies willing to work with lesbian and gay families.

The adoption system is complex and difficult to negotiate, and requires patience and perseverance. However, for gay and lesbian people, single or coupled, it presents a positive and wonderful way to build a family. When considering adoption numerous questions are immediately raised including: domestic versus international adoption, cost factors, infant or older child adoption and how "out" to be with the agency or social worker. Many gay and lesbian couples are concerned that they will not be allowed to adopt because they are gay, and certainly this varies from state to state. Most states do not allow same-sex second-parent adoption, which means that only one parent will be allowed to legally adopt the child, with the other parent having no legal rights to the child. A few states do allow second parent adoption for previously adopted children or biological children, which creates a measure of legal protection for our families.

Adoption is the process of taking a child into one's family through legal means and raising this child as one's own child. Adoption is a sacred family tradition, and has been practiced throughout history. Often children are available for adoption because their birth parents are deceased or are unable to care for them. Adoptive parents are often unable to have children biologically, or choose to adopt because they realize that there are children who need homes. It is also true that many social and economic processes in the wider world impact adoption options politically. This includes the increased infertility in middle-class white women choosing to have children later in life who can afford to pay large sums of money for adoption as well as the nature of racism and classism and that makes it more difficult for many poor pregnant women, who are often Black, Hispanic, or from undeveloped countries, to raise their own biological children. Adoption is always related in some measure to grief and loss issues. However, there is also a lot of mythology about adoption, leaving some people concerned that adoptive families are not as "real" as birth families. Although all children have birth (or biological) parents, adoptive families are legal families, "real" families and forever families. Adoption options include domestic or international adoption, and there are pros and cons related to all either choices.

Domestic Adoption: Public, Private and Agency Decisions
Domestic adoption means that the children are born and living in the United States and are available for adoption through a public agency or foster program, a private agency or attorney. Children are available for adoption from birth through adolescence. Adoptions can be "open" or "closed." Open adoption means that the adoptive parents know who the birth parents (or mother) are and that contact can be maintained. When adopting an infant through an agency or private adoption, the adoptive family can often meet with the birth mother before the child is born. The amount of contact between birth parents and adoptive parents can vary depending on wishes of the adoptive families, as well as the birth mother.

In closed adoptions, the paperwork regarding the birth parents is sealed and is legally inaccessible. Issues regarding open versus closed adoptions is controversial in the adoption community, where the desire of birth mothers or adoptive parents for anonymity can conflict with the adoptee's desire to have more information about their genetic heritage. Closed adoption processes protect the adoptive parents from any legal repercussions from the birth parents, and some adoptive parents avoid domestic adoptions because of the greater chance of birth parent involvement. It is possible to only work with adoptive situations where the parental rights have already been terminated.

Domestic adoption, especially through a foster-adopt program or adopting a child from a public agency or a child with special needs, is not only financially feasible for almost every family, but often the state will pay a stipend to help support the child. Private agency adoptions can range from $5,000 to approximately $25,000, depending on the age or race or health of the child, and the financial needs of the birth mother, as well as the cost of the particular agency or attorney involved. The finalization of an adoption process can take months or even years to complete. Changes in agency policy or even national policy, the rehabilitation of the birth mother, the re-unification of the birth family, or custody disputes can potentially disrupt a domestic adoption. This time of waiting for finalization is often frightening to adoptive parents whose status as parents to the child they are raising is still unstable.

Children of Color: The Need for Cultural Accountability
Many children in need of adoption in the United States are children of color, particularly African-American, Latino and bi-racial children. Ideally, placing children in homes where they will see people of their same color that reflects their cultural heritage presents an excellent opportunity for lesbian and gay people of color to expand their families, as well as offer homes for children in need. For many complex political reasons, there are more children of color needing placement than homes available within their own cultures.

Transracial adoption is a way to offer homes to children of color by white adoptive parents. This is a controversial issue that has been the subject of numerous public policy debates. It is true that white families are often poorly prepared for the challenges of transracial parenting. Some white families are unprepared for the level of racism levied at people of color until they become an adoptive parent, and may need to develop skills to combat the racism that they and their family will inevitably experience. However, as long as white parents are educated about the cultural needs of these children and committed to raising them with a sense of pride in their heritage, research consistently shows that transracially adopted children have healthy self-esteem.

Since many gay and lesbian families are choosing transracial adoption, the faces of our community are increasingly filled with multi-racial families. Many transracial adoptions also take place internationally, bringing children from completely different cultural settings into the United States. This is yet one more way that gay and lesbian families represent a progressive and inclusive model for social change.

International Adoption
International adoption means that the child is born in another country and becomes available for adoption by families in the United States. International adoption can be quicker than domestic adoption (once paperwork is in order), and depending on the country one is working with, children are often healthy and adoption can be completed within the first year of the child's life. International adoptions can be expensive, and often involves traveling to another country to pick up the child, sometimes for an extended time. The cost is rarely less than $10,000 and can be as high as $30,000. Different countries remain "open" or "closed" (meaning that a particular country is willing to place children for adoption in the United States) at different times, so availability can vary. International adoptions are virtually always "closed" adoptions, so the ability of the child to meet or remain in contact with their birth parents may be non-existent. Since adoptive parents are not involved in the child's situation until the birth parents rights have been fully terminated this can also protect the adoptive family from any interference from the birth family.

For gay and lesbian families international adoption inevitably means that only one parent will be able to legally adopt the child initially, since currently there are no countries that will knowingly place a child with a gay or lesbian person. Most lesbian and gay families choose one partner to be the legally adoptive parent, with the other parent playing a supportive role, until the child is securely home in the United States, and then a second parent adoption can be initiated if the state they live it allows this. The process of being closeted throughout the adoption process can be extremely stressful for many families, in both domestic and international adoptions.

Steps to Adoption: Choosing a Direction, Completing a Homestudy, and Persistence
No matter whether you are considering a domestic or international adoption, fostering or private adoption, an open or closed adoption, and infant or older child or an "out" or closeted adoption, the path to adoption involves certain steps. First of all, you must find a social worker, agency, facilitator or attorney that will best suit your purposes. Working with an agency or attorney can be expensive, so choose carefully who you will work with, and do not be afraid to ask questions about their placement history, fees, and the time it will take to place a child with you. Always carefully examine an agency's history of successful placements as well as pending legal problems. Make sure that the adoption experts you chose to work with are comfortable with gay and lesbian families and will advocate for you.

Adoptions hinge on one indispensable item: the homestudy. These can be done through a public or private agency, or a private social worker. Homestudies are clinical assessments that involve anywhere from one to three long visits with a social worker, at least one being in your home. Homestudies often feel invasive, as you are being examined for being a prospective parent, something that is, of course, not required of families who birth children. In reality, although the paperwork may be tedious and the fear that your home, finances, relationship, or lifestyle might not be acceptable, most social workers are not looking to disqualify potential adoptive parents. They are generally supportive advocates for families. It is therefore best if you can be out and honest with the social worker about your lives, and she or he can best determine how to present your family in the written paperwork, depending on the kind of adoption you are pursuing. Private homestudies range from $700 to $2000 depending on where you live, and many are included in an agency's services.

Finally, remember that a successful adoption depends on persistence and effort. Potentially adoptive parents, gay or heterosexual must be proactive advocates. Surfing the web, reading adoption books, joining adoption groups and list-serves, contacting attorneys, promoting one's own family, and let everyone know that it is time to expand your family through adoption. Social workers often need to be pursued; agencies need to be contacted again and again. Adoption can be a frustrating bureaucratic process involving lost paperwork, disappointing leads, newly painted but empty nursery's and agencies, social workers and attorney's with a "hurry up and wait" attitude. Adoption is a wonderful way to build a family, and there is no shortage of children patiently awaiting your persistence.