Many experience violence resulting in self-doubt. We may even want to help our batterer and protect our children, believing that the abuse they experience might be better than potential future abuse, lack of financial resources, and a sense that there is nowhere to turn. For people who do not conform to traditional gender roles, these feelings are often magnified by the experiences they have had with a society that insists that they conform.

Batterers often use society's lack of knowledge about transgender people and the general "don't ask, don't tell" attitude to their advantage. The threat of "outing" carries the risk of losing a job, alienating family, or being denied medical access. The batterer is likely to intimidate a transgender partner who attempts to leave a relationship. The option of staying in a hotel may be denied, they explain, or they be asked to leave a restaurant where they try to get something to eat. The batterer knows these facts and is quick to remind the survivor of them.

The repeating cycle described earlier (the three phases of tension building, battering incident and honeymoon), are present in Transgender situations as well. Name-calling, criticism, verbal harassment, humiliation, and minor battering lead to a major destructive act of physical violence which is followed by feelings of remorse for the behavior and acts of apology which reinforce the victim's hope and can encourage the victim to stay in the relationship.

Likewise, there are myths associated with the condition, though with some variation.

• MYTH: Men are never victims and women never abuse.
  Men are often victims and women can be abusers; it's very possible that a transgendered male may be abused by his 'straight' wife. Or that violence may occur between a transgender couple, where both parties are of one gender, though not the gender declared for them at birth.

• MYTH: If there's domestic violence between a couple, and one of them is transgendered, it's just a normal domestic violence issue.
  Unless the issue of gender identity and behavior can be ruled out, the violence needs to be treated as if it stems from there.

• MYTH: It's easier for a transgendered man or woman to leave abuse.
  Sometimes, in a transgender relationship, one partner can use the other's transgender status as a threat. This is particularly true when the couple are legally married.

• MYTH: What is perceived as partner battering is just part of the transgender "scene," which includes Sado-Masochistic (S&M) or Bondage-Domination (B&D) behavior.
  There is no correlation between S&M or B&D and being transgendered.

If you are transgendered and in a violent or abusive situation, you need to take steps so you will be able to leave. Explain to counselors and human service providers about the effects of relationship and discrimination violence. Since society already supports the batterer, you will need to be courageous. Here are some things you do if you are the victim of domestic violence:

• Check out the Survivor Project.
• Make sure those in human services understand the specific differences between transsexual, transgender, cross-dresser, and other gender-variances and where you "fit".
• Support legislation to protect "gender identity and expression", making it illegal to discriminate against transgender people in the workplace and in public accommodations.
• Locate your local support for victims of domestic or sexual violence [Thanks to Hannah Mason Houser, Program Coordinator for SafeSpace Vermont for the above information].

[For more on Domestic Violence and LGBT-related issues, read Richard Niolon's essay from PsychPage.com

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